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I know I put you through hell, and that I made life difficult for you when it could have all been so simple. I know I made you believe things that were untrue. For that, I’m sorry. But in spite of all the things I put you through, you still survived, and I’m so glad you won the battle in and of yourself.
There were times when you felt lonely. A big reason why you felt this way was because you wanted to feel this way. You wanted to feel lonely and abandoned and mistreated, so you could pity yourself. So 50% of it was in your head.The other 50%? The other 50% was the world treating you the way it treats everyone else. You got treated the way many others were treated (in fact, you got lucky despite what you might think.) It’s not fun, or fair, or right, or just, but it’s normal.
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And a part of you always enjoyed having self-pity parties where you’d rethink all the times you got stabbed in the back or got called names or got treated like garbage.
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I also know that you didn’t feel loved for a long time. But it wasn’t because no one loved you, it was because you thought that you didn’t deserve love. And so you pushed it away every time it was directed to you through kindness or affection. Instead, you focused on all the times you weren’t treated well. On all the times people as flawed as you made mistakes that intentionally or unintentionally hurt you.
You knew better, but you ignored that, too. Instead, you ran to a life of silent pain. You shut out the world, you shut out feelings/emotions, and you shut out the people that wanted to help you. And every time you started to feel a pang of pain that stung at your eyes, you’d push it aside and release your pain in another way.
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I know that life as a young teenager wasn’t easy for you. But it wasn’t easy for anyone else, either. I know you believed that you didn’t deserve love or anything else that was good, but see that’s the thing! No one really deserves this. It’s only by the grace of God that we as a human race are not yet extinct, and that we are still shown love and kindness. And it’s only by the grace of God that we can still find that place in our souls where there is peace and joy.
I know you thought life wasn’t worth living anymore. I know you thought nothing good could come of your pain or mistakes or the mistakes of others that affected you. But when I look back on how hard life was on you, I’m not sorry!
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I’m not sorry that you had to go through all that pain and disappointment. I’m not sorry that you had to experience that life can be a downer sometimes, and I’m not sorry that you dealt with it in ways that should never have been used.
Why am I not sorry? Because without all these events in your life, you wouldn’t have grown. I’m not sorry because without all that pain you wouldn’t be able to understand the pain that others go through. I’m not sorry because without all of this you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good times in life the way they were meant to be appreciated.
I know you had a rough patch.
But now, now you have the knowledge on how to deal with the next rough patch life will throw at you. Now you’ve learnt. Now the next time there will be pain, you will know what not to do.
And this, all of this is more valuable in the end than living a pain free life!
So dear younger me, I know it was hard, but it was all worth getting through!